The Miscellaneous Mess

A pretty good year?

cinnaofdoom — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 15:20:16 +0000

The first month of the year is not yet over, so it may be a poor indicator of the remaining 11 months. But it’s been good so far, really. I have spent time with my family, my wonderful husband and a few friends. My vacation was great, my birthday swell and my life, although not perfect, is pretty damn wonderful. I have more than I need, and less than I want- a good balance I would say!
Other sundry good things: I now have a fancy iPhone 4s, and am still running on a consistent basis. I am getting ready to start week 5 on the couch-2-5k program; progress!
I hopefully I will blog my vacation this weekend (no promises).

(Un)Resolute

cinnaofdoom — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:56:34 +0000

There are people who make lofty resolutions, every year. I am not one of those people. Sure, I want to accomplish things but that is every day.

This year, in addition to being a better human and trying new things, I want to start grad school and run.

I am actually doing one of these specific tasks- running. Kinda. I started the couch-2-5k program, again. Why do I suspect I will succeed while in the past I have failed? I am only starting on the 2nd week… and the remaining 7+ seem within reach. Plus I have learned something- I actually LIKE running. I have been a self-proclaimed non-runner for longer than I can remember, so this is HUGE. I always had an excuse why I couldn’t . But then one day bored out of my mind walking on the treadmill, I turned up the speed, and just kept going until I was at a slow trot. It was the biggest sense of accomplishment! After years of can’t, I was doing it. I ran more than a 1/4 mile without stopping. I was on top of the world! Sure, its not much, but you have to start somewhere. This kept up for most of the week, and then shin splints and crazy knee pain and crippling hip tightness from the wrong footwear and unused muscles.
Eventually I healed, and got the right shoes and took it to the street. One day I ran a whole mile without stopping- the first time in my entire life; I was 30. But I rediscovered my bike and started doing more yoga, and I my sports bras weren’t keeping the girls in check. And the excuses mounted, and my running halted. I actually missed it but I was easily dissuaded from going everytime I thought about it.
Who knows what the next 52 weeks will bring. Right now I’m starting over. And I’m ok with that. My motivation? No one is impressed by excuses.

World Order?

cinnaofdoom — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 17:45:24 +0000

Do we, as nations, really need to police eachother? Are humans by nature good and kind and self-less?

I read an article regarding the mass rape and abuse women and GIRLS are suffering in Somolia. It wasn’t graphic, but it made me sick. And it got me thinking.

Lawlessness, militias, chaos and the like are always associated with violence. Violence against men is usually physical- if your lucky they kill you, if your unlucky they disfigure you. But violence aganst women and girls usually means rape and sexual violence. In so many cultures (including our own, but that is another topic) females are groomed to be weak. To be subserviant, physically and emotionally dependant and to obey- that is a woman’s place. No wonder violence against women is so prevelent, when you are a lesser human it is easy to objectify, dominate, destroy you.

We cannot stop crimes against humanity. They are nothing new. The simple occurance of this disrespect and destruction of human life and psyche prompts me to wonder, are all of us capable of this monsterous behavior? Is it circumstantial or hardwired into us:

without having to answer for your actions are we all cruel and selfish?

This is not isolated to Somolia. Where there is war, lawlessness, and dispair- rape, torture and abuse are not far behind. While a utopian planet is unrealistic (dangerous?)- how can we stop this behavior? And what can we do for the victims of these crimes who are forced to live with these horrors….

5 Things I’m Bad At

cinnaofdoom — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 17:34:06 +0000

Usually I like to toot my own horn about how freakin wonderful I am. But sometimes it good to humble yourself and recognize your limitations.
1. Spitting- I find it quite unladylike, and never cultivated the skill. Usually not an issue, unless I’m sick.
2. Not Procrastinating- I would rather put it off to do something better. This includes going to bed, grocery shopping, making phone calls in my personal life and making doctor appointments.
3. Sticking to the shopping list- I love me some impulse purchases!
4. Being festive- not since being a child have I been excited and anticipated a holiday. Now I just look forward to the day off.
5. Job Hunting- its easier to stay at a shitty unfulfilling job and bitch than it is to look for something interesting, custom tailor your resume and face rejection. Also, see procrastination.

O.K., I’m Married… Now what?

cinnaofdoom — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 17:42:30 +0000

This is not to be confused with any kind of post-wedding planning void. It more about all the other stuff that needs to be completed.
On November 21st, we eloped- at the county courthouse. Marriage certificate in hand, I came to the realization that more paperwork was required, a lot more. I didn’t start that afternoon, or the next day. But by Wednesday, I was in the Social Security office. This was quick! In and out in about 20 minutes. Showing up early helps. Then came filling out the tax forms at work. And really looking at which insurance made the best sense for the money- and filling out 5 different forms for that. Then there was the hour plus trip to the MVA, where they charged me $30, and took another picture. Today the IT department at work was called to finalize my name change at work… yay a new user name to remember!
I still have all of my accounts to modify. Ugh… a trip to the bank is as much fun as scrubbing the toilet! The branch I usually go to is always crowded and kinda stinky. Let’s blame the low drop ceilings and not the patrons. My passport will not be changed until after my vacation in January. The cruise line wants to charge $50 for a name change. Thanks, but no. 30 years of the same last name is a bit of a hassle to change, but I’m not particularly sad to leave the pork-centric last name behind. No, I did not hyphenate it.

But even with the endless forms, I don’t feel any different. Things are awesomely the same. Who knew.

We aren’t friends anymore, and that’s O.K.

cinnaofdoom — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 02:37:00 +0000

Every so often, something will trigger the nostalgia of friendships past. And then I start to think of awesome/fun times had with said person/people. Sometimes I go with the urge to text or facebook message and a brief catch-up will occur…. but usually I just smile, wish that person well, and get back to my life. And that’s OK. Why? Because we aren’t really friends anymore. Sure we are “facebook friends”, but that doesn’t mean anything. Of course, I want these people to have happy fantastic lives. But we no longer have a place in the present for each other. People change, lives diverge- it happens, we make new friends, have new experiences and just move on.
In addition, I’m certain I owe a LOT of people apologies for things I have said and done that I can’t take back. As well as a good number of things I cannot remember because I was blacked out, not an excuse- it still happened. Sure I can apologize, blame it on my own self loathing and perpetual drunkenness of bygone years, blah blah blah… but what good will that do anyone. Let’s not rip open old wounds. I’m sure no one needs to remember the emotional hell I have drug a few people through… although if they read this (which I am assuming will not happen, because we aren’t friends and I was a total mind-fucking psycho bitch and I get it): I’m sorry. It was wrong of me to use you like that. I hope you are a happier person without me, for real.
But let me digress. Even when psychotic lushes are not involved, sometimes we just grow apart. The chances of me contacting you if I’m in town are slim and if you let me know your in town, chances are I’m “busy”. Don’t take it personally. Really, I value the friendship we used to have, what do we have in common anymore? We are both humans and we have a past together; nothing is more uncomfortable than two people who have grown so far apart there are few topics of conversation beyond the past and general small talk reserved for strangers.

Now the root of this:
I decided to text a “friend” of mine, mention I got married. I figured it would be a 5 text exchange and I would go another year and a half with out contacting them. And then it turned into a much longer small talk exchange. And they were all like “wanna talk” and i REALLY wanted to say, “nah I’m good”, but instead said, “sure, i’m working now but drive home about 4″, which lead to “call me tomorrow on your way home”. I kinda don’t want to. His wife has hated me since forever (or 1996) and I don’t know if calling is a good idea. Its not going to lead to a rekindling of a friendship or anything…. but I’m sure it will be awkward.

While I am fine with our friendship being non-existent in the present, I need to let the past remain there, let nostalgia put a smile on my face and then get on with the present. Damn you technology and cell phone number portability!

Ramble On.

cinnaofdoom — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 16:47:38 +0000

I seem to think of great, witty things to blog about when I’m busy doing other things. Driving, working, cooking, showering- you get the point. I’m not always sure how my thoughts arrive at these crazy random places, which I couldn’t find again on a map. But suffice to say, they are weird and at the time seems like it would be an interesting blog. Perhaps these random thoughts are akin to the ones that occured in your early 20′s during some drunken stoner binge. Sure, at the time they seem totally brilliant, but once the smoke clears and you sober up, its just gibberish. You are then left wondering “What the hell is so brilliant/funny about cookie pants”? Its even more confusing when you see the accompanying illustrations.

I am a list maker. I make lists when I have tasks to acccomplish. Mundane or otherwise, a defined list helps me focus. This includes chores around the house. Laundry, dishes, vacuum, put away laundry. Without lists I have lazy generated chaos. Also known as a shit hole or a friggin disaster. But I will have knit, baked tasty treats and watched too many movies. I have long term and short term lists- like the whole grad school career thing or prepping for a craft “show” I am participating in next month. Really- I need a logo and labels, and reciept forms and other stuff that I have not even started on.
I am beyond thankful for my little neurosis to keep me productive.

Maybe when your old enough

cinnaofdoom — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 15:36:39 +0000

It has taken a long time, but I think I’m getting the hang of adulthood and financial responsibility.
I checked out my credit report this morning and it is looking pretty alright. Most of the besmirching stuff has already been erased or will be within the next 6 months.

What I made for dinner….

cinnaofdoom — Sat, 24 Sep 2011 23:39:11 +0000

Stuffed Eggplant!

Nom!!

2 eggplant, cooked barley, sliced portabella mushrooms, 1 caramelized onion, garlic, chianti!!, canned diced tomatoes, Penzy’s greek seasoning, olive oil, spinach (frozen chopped), turkey bacon, feta cheese, panko bread crumbs, parmesan cheese.

In regards to a paycheck.

cinnaofdoom — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 09:40:11 +0000

While at work yesterday, I was thinking. What exactly am I trying to accomplish. Not with this blog, or any particular personal endeavor, but with my “professional” life. I find myself waiting for what’s next, not taking any real action. I have bounced from field to field to field, nothing being a particularly good fit. I want a career that is worthwhile, something that gives me a sense of accomplishment. I have been wondering lately, “How do I get there, from here?”. I have some options I am considering- mainly going back to school. For what exactly is what I need to figure out. I feel I am at a point in my life where I need to make a choice, stick with it, and just go forward from there. But my whimsical fickleness seems to be a barrier. I know I don’t want to continue doing what I’m doing, its a job (not necessarily a career). I have some vague inklings of what I think I would like to do. Am I considering these as valid options simply because they are NOT what I am currently doing? How much consideration do I need to give the “what-ifs” of the future. Do I boldly go forward, to hell with everything else?

The one thing I am certain of, I have spent entirely too much of my adult life waiting for things to happen. I keep telling myself that what I’m doing is a stepping stone, that it’s temporary. I know just waiting for opportunity to fall in my lap is stupid. I know the world does not work that way, that results require action. But this has been so easy, the path of least resistance. The path to remain mundane, invisible, underpaid and under utilized. The professional development decisions I need to make can only be made by me. Is it money, the cost of further education; the unknown or something else holding me back? Something in me has to change- no one cares how intelligent you claim to be, they want results. But what do I really have to show for myself? 10 years of disjointed and unremarkable experience. I can’t go back and be bold, be amazing, be consistent. Is it possible to fix years and year of coasting on the hopes of the next thing? Or am I doomed to perpetual dissatisfaction caused by my own lackluster professional background?